You…Me…Us

They say that it’s always worth fighting for when you really believe in it.

Sometimes tho, you can fight all you want, think it’s worth it to go thru all you do, and it can all be one sided. That’s how it feels right now. Seems things will never change, even the simplest of things. Guess I was never worth it, never will be.

You could never make time, not even a mere 5 minutes, it was always about you.  Guess that was my fault too. I made time, I made it about you, I made it worth it. I believed in something, I believed in you, in us. And you? It was only about you, never us.

Now what? It’s still there, rooted in deep, that will never change, I know for a fact. Everything else well…we’ll just have to wait and see.

8 years…and some randomness…sorta

Ok, I wrote this on Thursday but didn’t post it so it’s being combined.

So today is a milestone…8 years…wow…can’t believe we’re still standing here…together. So much has happened in all these years. All the fights, tears, heartaches, drama, craziness, happiness, silliness, great memories…trust broken, faith tried and tried again…but in the end…our love has held strong thru it all and kept us together. We’ve both had our moments…we both have wanted to walk away…but something, there was always that something that kept us together, coming back always to one another. There still needs to be work done between us but in reality that is every relationship out there. Yea, maybe we still need a bit more work then some but no relationship is perfect. Happy anniversary to us ^.^

Now is the new stuff lol

I don’t get how there are people out there who can be so proud of certain things in life. I guess I was raised differently. I mean I would not be proud of situations like that. I understand that it happened and it needs to be dealt with and eventually one would hopefully learn from it but to be so proud about it from the get go…well it boggles my mind.

Then there’s that. I really am so amazed at how a person can think. And assume. And end up completely alienating themselves. And then apparently be proud of it. And assume that it in any way would affect my life. Honestly it doesn’t. It just makes me feel sorry for them. Their actions and words truly affect them more then it does me. But then I don’t feel sorry for long because of the things that were said. I don’t care that it was said in the fit of anger, you still fucked up. I don’t forgive and forget at all. The things said about loved ones. The things said about me. Wrong person to do that with…it will always forever be there in my head and you will never be released of it.

And really I find it so amazing that certain people think that they can affect me like that? Your actions tell me who you are. Maybe I was petty and stooped to your level for a bit but what was I to do? Sure as hell am not just gonna sit there and take it. In the end you’re the one that ended up hurt and lost. But you think you won and hurt me. That’s a laugh. You don’t make my life, I do. I am the one who ensures my own happiness, my own joy. And honestly after everything that’s been thrown my way, I’ve came to that realization ten fold. I don’t need no one but myself and my precious girls to be happy.

You know what???

Grrrrr!!!! So much is going on. And most of it is the same freakin’ shit! I am sooooo tired of it all. It just needs to stop. I mean, why have more crap when it is not needed? When it is not in your place to do so? Just leave it be. A part of me feels bad for those involved especially the one that is stuck right in the middle and no one freaking is seeing that they are playing a tug-a-war game with that particular person.

One crazy hectic chapter in my life is finally closed and I am so glad. Now time to rebuild and move on…hopefully. It’s just a matter of sitting back and seeing what is going to happen. I just hope that it will all come out to be for the better. I am so tired and done with it all. I really do stand by it, I don’t want nothing to do with it for a long time.

With all this and I still manage to not have lost my head, that’s a good thing. I just need to hurry up and find some time for a mini vacation. Just one day or the weekend, that’s all I ask. But knowing me, finances and time will get in the way. And I will never really get away like I should so then things just keep building up and building…and who knows what will happen then? A person can only take so much for so long, and I’ve been doing this for a very long time.

I am not sure if it’s everything that has me like this  or a combination of certain things today. All I know is today is just not a great day for me. I am very….well I am a big bundle of different emotions right now. And honestly I just want to strangle some people, run over others, smother some more, and yea…well you get the hint. Is this day over yet? I want to go home and relax…well try to relax. I can imagine how things are at home. Ah fuck it, I’m going shopping! That always does the trick. Maybe something shiny and pretty ^.^

Some thoughts…

Well it’s been an interesting month. I so wish this part of my life is already done and over with. I am so ready to close this chapter weeks ago. Oh well, things always happen for a reason and I hope that the reason has been learned as should. I mean, there’s still other aspects of it and that’s just going to be it, I hope.

You know, for all purposes, communication is the best key. I am not sure as to why some people still don’t understand that. Why is it that some people sit there and assume the stupidest things? That’s where shit starts, because you always assume instead of actually communicating. I mean if you communicated, you can ask questions, you can talk it out, you can make it clear. Then there would be no issues. But again, I guess that’s just not in you. I don’t know why. I talk up a storm and ask a gazillion questions….sometimes I will ask until I get the answer I want to hear lol

I am not sure if it’s a coincidence that some things happen in my life or it coincides with what I write. Either way, I am grateful for whatever and however it has happened. Again, I am sure that things in life happen for a reason. I know I was questioning things before and trying to figure out how to get the answers without being such a bitch and reopening shit I didn’t want open. I took to writing and it helped, in more ways than one. Whatever the reason, coincidence or not, I am glad it occurred when it did. It’s a good thing that is being done.

There are some things that are still irritating to me. But right now, I rather be using my energy on better things. There is so much that I have to worry about already, I really don’t thing that I need that shit in my life so for now, I am done. I don’t want anything to do with it. I think it is just ridiculous how some things are and it’s high time for a change. I am really ready for that change to come. And I hope that it comes in the best interest of everyone that is involved. And you, know if it doesn’t, fuck it, I’m gonna do it my way and well, take it or leave. I only have to worry about my girls happiness and my own.

Today was the girls first day of school. Wow, I have an 8th grader and a 6th grader. These kids are growing up so fast. I can remember it being yesterday, taking my oldest to preschool and my youngest wanting to go with her. Although it did give me more one on one time with my youngest. Maybe that’s why she likes going out to eat so much with me lol. After this year, my not so lil girl will be in high school. That’s just amazing to think on. I mean, it was long ago that I was in high school but I still remember that time fondly. I may have been a semi quiet but still…trouble was brewing. I wonder how her high school years will be. And then my baby too….I wonder when she hits high school, will she be out of her tom boy stage?

And then at the same time, crap, she’s gonna be in high school. And if any of my memories are correct, crap! I’m in trouble. I wasn’t exactly a quiet bystanding innocent…I was a willing participant in a lot of things. I just hope that their future will be different from how mine turned out to be. I don’t regret what I’ve gone thru, I wouldn’t be the me that I am now. But I do hope that theirs will be a bit smoother and easier than mine ever was. I guess time will tell. We will have to wait and see. I sure like to write don’t I?

Something’s missing…

…it’s certainly not the first night but it still feels as if it was. Not sure why…maybe cuz I haven’t talked to you tonight…but I really am feeling the emptiness.

I wonder how you are doing? If you’re ok? It’s odd really. We’ve never been apart for this long. But at least during this time we’ve talked daily…until today. Not one call…and that makes me a bit concern.

Overall though it just comes down to the simple fact…I miss you. Pain and simple. I know we’ll be back to our crazy life together and I’ll probably wish you gone longer but that’s how we work. You’ll probably wish you aren’t back yet at some point too…but again that’s how we work.

~*~ Te extrano mucho mi amor, regresen pronto a casa <3 ~*~
(I hope I got that right, it’s been a while since I wrote in Spanish >.<)

Irritated

~You…yea, you. You know who you are. Really? That’s it? a low double digit? What the hell is that shit? Don’t you have any sense of responsibility? Any sense of anything? Shit, that was nothing. Can’t do shit with it. And you think you deserve anything? Grow the fuck up and do shit properly. Such a shame really. I thought you were better than that, thanks for proving me wrong. I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt.

~I’m kinda at a loss for words. I’m not sure what to say that just wouldn’t come off as wrong. Even in a time like this you seem to be all about yourself. What is wrong with you? Are you fucking serious? Over something as petty as that? It boggles my mind that you would be bitching about something like that. And then at the same time, really? You have to depend on someone else to do shit for you? What happened to being independent and doing things for yourself?

~My girls belong to me…simple as that. My girls are his. Yea that’s simple too. Best believe hell will be raised if anything was to happen to them or said about them. Seriously, they’re just kids. But they are pretty responsible young ladies who work their ass off for what they have. They deserve what they have. Who are you to judge in anyway? Who are you to question what they have and don’t have? I think you need to take a step back and look at the big picture. You’re hardly there anyway so how in the heck can you question and judge?

~Oh my goodness, you’re starting to wear my patience. You act like a kid! Worse then some kids I know. I’m growing tired of this crap. I’m guessing you’re doing what you do best right now. Well continue cuz I am so damn tired of it. I think you need to gtfo of my life. Yes, I said it and I mean it. I’m finally fed up. Best wishes to you.

~My smile, always there…and I adore you for it. You’re the absolute best, moody at times but still always there for me. Glad to know that still at this point in life my smile is always there. Ready with a hug and love. What more can I say? It’s always the best to get a smile from you. I really hope that it is always accompanied with true happiness.

Well for those of you that have read this, you might think you know who these passages are about. You might think it’s about you, if that’s the case, you might want to look at yourself and open your eyes to your own world. Unfortunately for you guys, you can only assume who or whom these may be about. That little tidbit of truth will stay with me. And for the sake of those that I am irritated with…just hope that it’s a minor irritation and doesn’t grow into anything bigger. Don’t think you would like to see me that upset. Anywho, enjoy the weekend everyone ^.^

O.o

OMG! This has been a really crazy almost month! Hell, it’s been an interesting year. So many things up and down. Too many different random things so lets do this in short bursts.

~First, OMG!!!! My babies are officially no longer babies…and it happened within days of one another. Surprised the heck out of me. Oh well, here’s to the next interesting phase of their life.

~You, oh man, the things I can say. But all I will say is thank you. For staying out of our lives. For leaving my girls alone. They are so much better off.

~On another note, the least you can do is at least keep your part of what you are suppose to do. How the hell do you think what you do is enough? It is so minimal. It doesn’t make any kind of significant dent in our lives. You are very irresponsible. And at the same time very selfish.

~Now on to you, I really don’t know what to think of you right now. You’re always up and down and down and then up and up. It’s quite draining. Can you pick one and stick to it? Hopefully things will be smooth from here on out.

~And really? Shit like this is just the reason why I tend to like to stay away from people. What the hell was going on? Can’t believe that it happened. Well ok, I lied, I can. Just can’t believe it got to the point that it did. And yea…

~So I see how my life is, it’s not so bad.This time has opened my eyes to a lot of things. I think that over time there will be changes and there should be a lot of changes that are for the good. I hope that some of it will be good. And well if things won’t change the way it should then other changes will come and no matter what they are, things will be ok.

~Work is hectic as usual. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. Keeps a person busy and occupied. LOL. I enjoy it. And then I think a bit of it has to do with the great co-workers I have. It’s so nice having ppl that you can get along with when you have to spend minimum 5 days with ^.~

Well…this might have been a bit more than I expected to write. Oh well. That’s what I get for not writing for so long. There’s more, but I’m getting tired. I think I will have to make a very conscious effort in coming and writing more often…yea, we’ll see how that goes lol.

just-the-way-you-arent:

5000-miles-apart:

just-the-way-you-arent:

promise me, you are never going to leave me, ever. 
promise me, we will get through everything no matter how hard it is.
promise me, you wont let me go.
promise me, you will always love me.




Pretty ring&#8230; I want one

just-the-way-you-arent:

5000-miles-apart:

just-the-way-you-arent:

promise me, you are never going to leave me, ever. 

promise me, we will get through everything no matter how hard it is.

promise me, you wont let me go.

promise me, you will always love me.

Pretty ring… I want one

Why do you hate me so? >.<

Seriously, I can’t think of anything that I could have done wrong for you to be the way you are with me. Growing up, I tried to do what I was suppose to but its a bit hard. At least I can say that I wasn’t that bad considering. At least I didn’t do drugs, I wasn’t into gangs and shit like that, I didn’t smoke, especially considering those in our family I was close to did and some still do. Well I think only one but whatever. I don’t even drink although you think I’m some alcoholic! How can you fault a person for growing up and making choices in their life that turned out to be mistakes and that turned out to be accomplishments? Isn’t a person suppose to grow and make mistakes in life so as to learn from them? Isn’t a person suppose to find themselves and figure out what they want out of life? How would that be possible if I just sat there and listened to you and followed every lil thing I was told to do? I wouldn’t have a mind of my own. And you know what? You can’t really complain about me. From my understanding, at least I accomplished what I wanted. I may not have done things in the correct manner but I did them and I am succeeding in my own time frame. You say I can’t take care of my own kids and thats why you take them. Then tell me how do they survive during the week when they are here with me? How is it my girls have such great grades? Are top of their classes year after year? Have such a passion for reading? If anything, you baby them and they can’t seem to grow out of that and its actually frustrating because they do have so much potential to be more than they are. I may not have ever given you straight A’s like you required of me but these kids of mine get them year after year. Withouy any threats from me. I at least see things thru. I may have started and stop school…but I at leaat went back and finished instead of fucking around and wasting my life. I fuckin graduated and still nothing from you. You said you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be there. Imagine my surprise when you did show up. But at the same time, nothing from you. No words of encouragement or love. But then that’s you, at least you came. For that, I am grateful, graduating wouldn’t have been the same without you there. And honestly, I’m not done. I’m still gonna go to school. I’m just taking a break. Shit, I didn’t even graduate yet and found a great job. And you bitch about me. Telling me to work from home to be with the kids. Life is different from when you had me. I really do appreciate all the sacrifices you made for me. Working from home, not having a social life, doing what needed to be done so I can have my life. You’ll never get how much I appreciate it and respect you for it. That is a hard decision especially being a single mom. But you have to realize at the same time, life now is different. I would love to work from home and be with my girls but I can’t. I have to work and I’m lucky I don’t have to do it alone. I have a great guy in my life to help. A guy who loves these girls more than anything. Just because what happened with their sperm donor doesn’t mean everyone out there in the world is like that. And seriously to get mad at me for having a social life? I’m doing the best I can for my life and these girls. They are my number one priority even if you don’t seem to think so. I don’t get why you get upset at the things I do, I am a grown woman capable of making decisions for myself. And I can sure as hell take care of my girls. Maybe sometimes I may make the wrong decision but that’s for me to worry about and handle. For all its worth, my life may not be perfect but its my life and I still have plently of room to grow and improve. The sad thing about it is, you will never realize how much I’ve tried and tried to get your approval on the things I do and I always inevitably fail in your eyes. I can’t do anything right according to you. I’m just some dumb blob that’s here taking up space in the world. Yet amazingly, I do have a head for business and numbers. I do know how to cook just maybe not your kind of cooking but that’s because you never bothered to teach me. I can do so many creative things just like you. I can be just as stubborn as you. I grew up giving, loving, and selfless as I’ve seen you been with others. You don’t get it, I can still do things you can, just in different way. I still have many aspects of you in me, just a bit different. I can do alot of things if I just put mind to it. There’s more to me than you will ever know because you will never let go of what is bothering you about me. I seriously don’t know what I did for you to hate me so much but you’ll never see how much I love you and would do whatever I can for you. No one knows why you hate me so much, your own flesh and blood. Apparently all you see is a complete failure where everyone sees a regular normal girl growing up. And to be honest, I’m a regular good girl, not some horrible misbehaving brat. I should be use to this but I’m still not, and it still hurts me a lot knowing my own mother can’t seem to stand having me around and thinks that I am nothing, that I’m just some trash that has to be tolerated in her life :’( And yet even as I know this, instead of giving up, I’m still as stubborn as you, and continue to try to seek your approval and get you to see how much I do care for you, even if it means I keep getting hurt over and over in the process. All because I know, no matter what, you’re still my mother, the one person who has done so much for me while growing up even though I didn’t do everything you wanted. You may not see it or believe it, but I do appreciate all you’ve done, all you do, and I really do love you very much.

Gone too soon (poem)

The suddenness of it all
So many feelings
Alarm, shocked, scared
Frustration, hurt, anger
So many unanswered questions
What were we to do
How did this happen
What can be done
In the space of a day
We were torn apart
Him hurting and crying
Hurling ugly accusations
Blaming me for it all
Me crying, hurting just as much
If not more so
Wondering what happened
No support, no time to grieve
Not when he needed me to be strong
For me to be there and keep calm
Someone needed to think straight
My body going through such a trial
Trying my best to do what I could
Thinking and wondering
Coming together again that night
Holding one another tight
Holding out hope that all will be well
Holding onto one another and our love
Needing it to see us thru
So much hardship between us

Relationship been tested time and time again
Coming out of it each time strong and together
Why must we be faced with this
Your time with us so short
Yet you already had us in such a hold
No doubt you would have been given the world
Filled with so much love
Your sisters understanding and yet not
I’d give anything to change the circumstances
Couldn’t believe the day you actually left me
The whole day was so surreal
One moment you were there fighting for your life
The next you were gone, not even in a blink of an eye
My heart breaking so much
So many tears unshed
Everyone says it just wasn’t meant to be
Things happen for a reason
This I know all very well
But I can’t help but wish it was different
We tried so hard and long to get you
Won’t believe the disbelief and happiness when you appeared
This little line appearing
Giving us this wonderful news
And now not even two months later
You are gone from our lives
We never got the chance to hold you
To show you the love we have
But rest in peace with the knowledge
You will always be with us
Deep in our hearts
Now you’re with your older sibling
With my beloved grandma and grandpa
Watching over your sisters together
Protecting us all
Good bye my precious lil angel

Written by,
Annie

Some thoughts

On my lunch…can’t help but think of my meeting earlier. I don’t get how a person can say they love another yet cause so much trauma for them. We haven’t heard from you for quite some time. Truth be told, they are happy as can be with that. They get anxiety attacks when faced with the prospect of seeing or hearing from you. Because of what you did, these precious girls will forever be afraid. Afraid to trust any man outside of family they know. Afraid you would take away their world, the only one they feel safe in. Afraid that one day you will be back to harm them. Afraid you would be back to harm me. How sad is it that all they worry about is protecting the other sister and me, their mother. They should never have to worry about that. I’m here to protect them, although I didn’t do so great at the time. They were so little, how could they even protect one another? With those selfish acts you did, you stripped away the ability to trust, the ability to feel, the ability to recognize feelings, the ability to let go, the ability not to control everything, the ability to be normal. One child disassociates with her feelings and finds it hard to even mention you. One child refuses to remember and answer questions, all she wants to do is find a way to permanently get rid of you. There is so much more to them than that. What did you do to my precious girls? How are you capable of love? If you love, you would have never done what you did. Whatever happen to “I will always give my life for my 3 girls”? You ended up taking away our lives. No matter what we do, you and what you’ve done will always be there darkening every thing we do. They may be have everything I could possibly give them, they may be happy with our life but they will always have the fear of you coming.back and destroying it all. They will always have a strong distrust for men. I hope you continue to stay away from us and leave our lives to be at peace, as much as we can. That now is my number one goal, to try my best to keep their fears at bay until they are ready to confront it on their own…or even with help. If you truly stand by your twisted sense of love for them, then do us all a favor and stay away. Let them reach out to you when they so choose. It’s heartbreaking to see them full of anxiety because you just want to see them, talk to them on your time, when you’re ready. They aren’t toys to play with whenever it suits you.

So freaking….!!!!!!!!!!! >.<

Haven’t wrote in a long time but I need to write. Hope it helps! Okie today is not a good day. I understand that there are many offices and many different office politics but REALLY?!?!?! The other school here is really starting to get on my nerves. You’re nit picking over the littlest things. And on top of it, some of the shit you are nit picking about are things that you yourself do. Why don’t you just go shove it? It would be a better look for you anywayz. I really tire of these lil kiddie games you are playing. If you have a problem with me then come talk to me about it. Go to my supervisor about it. The things you are bitching about does not need to go to the president of the school. I am sooooo freakin’ irratied about this. I wish I could be gone already but noooooo you I have to close tonight. The only good thing is that by 6PM you are all gone and I don’t have to look at your fake smile and deal with your two facedness (<—-is that even a freakin’ word???) And again, you do the same thing. Difference between your school and our school, we don’t nit pick, we don’t complain, we DON’T FUCKING CARE!!! I am glad the weekend is coming up…just one more day to get thru. Then I will be free of all these office politics, even if it’s just for a couple of days, its something at least. Oh well, another day of pasting a smile on and going about my day. I actually am glad to have the students that I do, they make life here at the school a bit more bearable. I can not wait until you guys move out of our office and into your own. I am gonna be a selfish bitch right now. I am tired of sharing this space with you all. I am tired of seeing your fake friendly faces. I am tired of you and sadly I’ve only been here for 4 months! Again, I am just glad that you will be moving out of the office soon, it’s just not soon enough >.< I guess I better get back to work since my students are coming out of their exams. And writing still hasn’t helped in any way. Perhaps my drawings will help me later. I hope that I have time to draw soon. I need a vacay from back stabbing bitches >.< Opps….time to go!

what does lilfallenangel mean? also do you make $ with your blog using peepspayerDOTcom?
Anonymous

Lilfallenangel means exactly that…lil fallen angel. An angel that just happens to occasionally falls ^.~ And no I blog for fun not for monetary gains.

persuasian:

Effort
Come on bro.. All she wants is for you to try. To just be there for her whenever she needs you most. To start her mornings with cute messages that had been sent while she was asleep. &amp; to end every night to the sound to your voice as “i love yous’” roll off your tongue. Those days and nights where you guys spend hours doing completely nothing but cuddling. Her heart doesn’t have a value or price on it. But it does have rules and expectations you need to go by. She expects you to love her. She wants you to make her your number one priority. She wants you give her respect and to be loyal within the relationship. Shes your girl, and dont take her for granted, because im sure guys that know they can treat her better are waiting in line. Enough with the games and enough with the fake spit. Don’t give her a hard time for something you have done. Don’t push her away just because you know that you can, One day shes going to get sick of everything and stop chasing. 


Get sick and stop 3

persuasian:

Effort

Come on bro.. All she wants is for you to try. To just be there for her whenever she needs you most. To start her mornings with cute messages that had been sent while she was asleep. & to end every night to the sound to your voice as “i love yous’” roll off your tongue. Those days and nights where you guys spend hours doing completely nothing but cuddling. Her heart doesn’t have a value or price on it. But it does have rules and expectations you need to go by. She expects you to love her. She wants you to make her your number one priority. She wants you give her respect and to be loyal within the relationship. Shes your girl, and dont take her for granted, because im sure guys that know they can treat her better are waiting in line. Enough with the games and enough with the fake spit. Don’t give her a hard time for something you have done. Don’t push her away just because you know that you can, One day shes going to get sick of everything and stop chasing

Get sick and stop 3
Yup….so true…no matter how hard a person tries to forget :’(

Yup….so true…no matter how hard a person tries to forget :’(