just-the-way-you-arent:

5000-miles-apart:

just-the-way-you-arent:

promise me, you are never going to leave me, ever. 

promise me, we will get through everything no matter how hard it is.

promise me, you wont let me go.

promise me, you will always love me.

Pretty ring… I want one

Seriously, I can’t think of anything that I could have done wrong for you to be the way you are with me. Growing up, I tried to do what I was suppose to but its a bit hard. At least I can say that I wasn’t that bad considering. At least I didn’t do drugs, I wasn’t into gangs and shit like that, I didn’t smoke, especially considering those in our family I was close to did and some still do. Well I think only one but whatever. I don’t even drink although you think I’m some alcoholic! How can you fault a person for growing up and making choices in their life that turned out to be mistakes and that turned out to be accomplishments? Isn’t a person suppose to grow and make mistakes in life so as to learn from them? Isn’t a person suppose to find themselves and figure out what they want out of life? How would that be possible if I just sat there and listened to you and followed every lil thing I was told to do? I wouldn’t have a mind of my own. And you know what? You can’t really complain about me. From my understanding, at least I accomplished what I wanted. I may not have done things in the correct manner but I did them and I am succeeding in my own time frame. You say I can’t take care of my own kids and thats why you take them. Then tell me how do they survive during the week when they are here with me? How is it my girls have such great grades? Are top of their classes year after year? Have such a passion for reading? If anything, you baby them and they can’t seem to grow out of that and its actually frustrating because they do have so much potential to be more than they are. I may not have ever given you straight A’s like you required of me but these kids of mine get them year after year. Withouy any threats from me. I at least see things thru. I may have started and stop school…but I at leaat went back and finished instead of fucking around and wasting my life. I fuckin graduated and still nothing from you. You said you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be there. Imagine my surprise when you did show up. But at the same time, nothing from you. No words of encouragement or love. But then that’s you, at least you came. For that, I am grateful, graduating wouldn’t have been the same without you there. And honestly, I’m not done. I’m still gonna go to school. I’m just taking a break. Shit, I didn’t even graduate yet and found a great job. And you bitch about me. Telling me to work from home to be with the kids. Life is different from when you had me. I really do appreciate all the sacrifices you made for me. Working from home, not having a social life, doing what needed to be done so I can have my life. You’ll never get how much I appreciate it and respect you for it. That is a hard decision especially being a single mom. But you have to realize at the same time, life now is different. I would love to work from home and be with my girls but I can’t. I have to work and I’m lucky I don’t have to do it alone. I have a great guy in my life to help. A guy who loves these girls more than anything. Just because what happened with their sperm donor doesn’t mean everyone out there in the world is like that. And seriously to get mad at me for having a social life? I’m doing the best I can for my life and these girls. They are my number one priority even if you don’t seem to think so. I don’t get why you get upset at the things I do, I am a grown woman capable of making decisions for myself. And I can sure as hell take care of my girls. Maybe sometimes I may make the wrong decision but that’s for me to worry about and handle. For all its worth, my life may not be perfect but its my life and I still have plently of room to grow and improve. The sad thing about it is, you will never realize how much I’ve tried and tried to get your approval on the things I do and I always inevitably fail in your eyes. I can’t do anything right according to you. I’m just some dumb blob that’s here taking up space in the world. Yet amazingly, I do have a head for business and numbers. I do know how to cook just maybe not your kind of cooking but that’s because you never bothered to teach me. I can do so many creative things just like you. I can be just as stubborn as you. I grew up giving, loving, and selfless as I’ve seen you been with others. You don’t get it, I can still do things you can, just in different way. I still have many aspects of you in me, just a bit different. I can do alot of things if I just put mind to it. There’s more to me than you will ever know because you will never let go of what is bothering you about me. I seriously don’t know what I did for you to hate me so much but you’ll never see how much I love you and would do whatever I can for you. No one knows why you hate me so much, your own flesh and blood. Apparently all you see is a complete failure where everyone sees a regular normal girl growing up. And to be honest, I’m a regular good girl, not some horrible misbehaving brat. I should be use to this but I’m still not, and it still hurts me a lot knowing my own mother can’t seem to stand having me around and thinks that I am nothing, that I’m just some trash that has to be tolerated in her life :’( And yet even as I know this, instead of giving up, I’m still as stubborn as you, and continue to try to seek your approval and get you to see how much I do care for you, even if it means I keep getting hurt over and over in the process. All because I know, no matter what, you’re still my mother, the one person who has done so much for me while growing up even though I didn’t do everything you wanted. You may not see it or believe it, but I do appreciate all you’ve done, all you do, and I really do love you very much.

The suddenness of it all
So many feelings
Alarm, shocked, scared
Frustration, hurt, anger
So many unanswered questions
What were we to do
How did this happen
What can be done
In the space of a day
We were torn apart
Him hurting and crying
Hurling ugly accusations
Blaming me for it all
Me crying, hurting just as much
If not more so
Wondering what happened
No support, no time to grieve
Not when he needed me to be strong
For me to be there and keep calm
Someone needed to think straight
My body going through such a trial
Trying me best to do what I could
Thinking and wondering
Coming together again that night
Holding one another tight
Holding out hope that all will be well
Holding onto one another and our love
Needing it to see us thru
So much hardship between us Relationship been tested time and time again
Coming out of it each time strong and together
Why must we be faced with this
Your time with us so short
Yet you already had us in such a hold
No doubt you would have been given the world
Filled with so much love
Your sisters understanding and yet not
I’d give anything to change the circumstances
Couldn’t believe the day you actually left me
The whole day was so surreal
One moment you were there fighting for your life
The next you were gone, not even in a blink of an eye
My heart breaking so much
So many tears unshed
Everyone says it just wasn’t meant to be
Things happen for a reason
This I know all very well
But I can’t help but wish it was different
We tried so hard and long to get you
Won’t believe the disbelief and happiness when you appeared
This little line appearing
Giving us this wonderful news
And now not even two months later
You are gone from our lives
We never got the chance to hold you
To show you the love we have
But rest in peace with the knowledge
You will always be with us
Deep in our hearts
Now you’re with your older sibling
With my beloved grandma and grandpa
Watching over your sisters together
Protecting us all
Good bye my precious lil angel

Written by,
Annie

On my lunch…can’t help but think of my meeting earlier. I don’t get how a person can say they love another yet cause so much trauma for them. We haven’t heard from you for quite some time. Truth be told, they are happy as can be with that. They get anxiety attacks when faced with the prospect of seeing or hearing from you. Because of what you did, these precious girls will forever be afraid. Afraid to trust any man outside of family they know. Afraid you would take away their world, the only one they feel safe in. Afraid that one day you will be back to harm them. Afraid you would be back to harm me. How sad is it that all they worry about is protecting the other sister and me, their mother. They should never have to worry about that. I’m here to protect them, although I didn’t do so great at the time. They were so little, how could they even protect one another? With those selfish acts you did, you stripped away the ability to trust, the ability to feel, the ability to recognize feelings, the ability to let go, the ability not to control everything, the ability to be normal. One child disassociates with her feelings and finds it hard to even mention you. One child refuses to remember and answer questions, all she wants to do is find a way to permanently get rid of you. There is so much more to them than that. What did you do to my precious girls? How are you capable of love? If you love, you would have never done what you did. Whatever happen to “I will always give my life for my 3 girls”? You ended up taking away our lives. No matter what we do, you and what you’ve done will always be there darkening every thing we do. They may be have everything I could possibly give them, they may be happy with our life but they will always have the fear of you coming.back and destroying it all. They will always have a strong distrust for men. I hope you continue to stay away from us and leave our lives to be at peace, as much as we can. That now is my number one goal, to try my best to keep their fears at bay until they are ready to confront it on their own…or even with help. If you truly stand by your twisted sense of love for them, then do us all a favor and stay away. Let them reach out to you when they so choose. It’s heartbreaking to see them full of anxiety because you just want to see them, talk to them on your time, when you’re ready. They aren’t toys to play with whenever it suits you.

Haven’t wrote in a long time but I need to write. Hope it helps! Okie today is not a good day. I understand that there are many offices and many different office politics but REALLY?!?!?! The other school here is really starting to get on my nerves. You’re nit picking over the littlest things. And on top of it, some of the shit you are nit picking about are things that you yourself do. Why don’t you just go shove it? It would be a better look for you anywayz. I really tire of these lil kiddie games you are playing. If you have a problem with me then come talk to me about it. Go to my supervisor about it. The things you are bitching about does not need to go to the president of the school. I am sooooo freakin’ irratied about this. I wish I could be gone already but noooooo you I have to close tonight. The only good thing is that by 6PM you are all gone and I don’t have to look at your fake smile and deal with your two facedness (<—-is that even a freakin’ word???) And again, you do the same thing. Difference between your school and our school, we don’t nit pick, we don’t complain, we DON’T FUCKING CARE!!! I am glad the weekend is coming up…just one more day to get thru. Then I will be free of all these office politics, even if it’s just for a couple of days, its something at least. Oh well, another day of pasting a smile on and going about my day. I actually am glad to have the students that I do, they make life here at the school a bit more bearable. I can not wait until you guys move out of our office and into your own. I am gonna be a selfish bitch right now. I am tired of sharing this space with you all. I am tired of seeing your fake friendly faces. I am tired of you and sadly I’ve only been here for 4 months! Again, I am just glad that you will be moving out of the office soon, it’s just not soon enough >.< I guess I better get back to work since my students are coming out of their exams. And writing still hasn’t helped in any way. Perhaps my drawings will help me later. I hope that I have time to draw soon. I need a vacay from back stabbing bitches >.< Opps….time to go!

Lilfallenangel means exactly that…lil fallen angel. An angel that just happens to occasionally falls ^.~ And no I blog for fun not for monetary gains.

persuasian:

Effort

Come on bro.. All she wants is for you to try. To just be there for her whenever she needs you most. To start her mornings with cute messages that had been sent while she was asleep. & to end every night to the sound to your voice as “i love yous’” roll off your tongue. Those days and nights where you guys spend hours doing completely nothing but cuddling. Her heart doesn’t have a value or price on it. But it does have rules and expectations you need to go by. She expects you to love her. She wants you to make her your number one priority. She wants you give her respect and to be loyal within the relationship. Shes your girl, and dont take her for granted, because im sure guys that know they can treat her better are waiting in line. Enough with the games and enough with the fake spit. Don’t give her a hard time for something you have done. Don’t push her away just because you know that you can, One day shes going to get sick of everything and stop chasing. 

Yup….so true…no matter how hard a person tries to forget :’(

I find it amusing that the week after I wrote my last post you called like nothing happened. When we originally agreed to this, you called 3 weeks in a row and then stopped calling. That is until I wrote…amazing that I still have ppl stalker status on my shit letting you know. Obviously my tumblr isn’t private, I don’t care, read all you want. This would be your only source, my fb is private…but alas I have a spy there, reporting shit to you constantly…and you know what? I don’t give a fuck lol. How pathetic is it that you have to get information like that?

Even though I bitch about you not calling, we enjoyed it. My daughters don’t want to talk to you. Haven’t you noticed it? All the quiet moments in your so called conversations? One word responses, hmmm’s and yea’s…that’s the extent of it. Your I love you, miss you, proud of you…all met with awkward silence. I feel sorry for you. You don’t get it…you’re just the guy they have to call father…dad…or to them, more now nothing but their sperm donor (she learned that at school). They know who the real father is…the one who provides for them and cares for them…their daddy, dada, their Shortie ^.^

You’re proud of them and their many accomplishments…I’m sure you brag about it to all you can…but for what? It’s an empty proudiness (is that a word?)…you didn’t contribute to any of it. We’re here daily, working together, encouraging, supporting and nurturing all the potential in our girls…we deserve to be the proud parents. You’re just an outsider looking in.

Okay so I maybe sound like a bitch saying this stuff but its my thoughts. I am allowed to voice my thoughts. As long as I ensure I never speak ill of you where the girls can hear. They can form their own opinion, which they have…but it could change…and I don’t want to be in any way influence how it goes.

I still will sit here and do whatever is in my girls best interest, even if they might not see it or need it…so that saves you…I prefer there to be an open communication available for them for future references or closure or even perhaps healing. Sometimes it seems it would be so much easier, better even if you just dropped outta their life 100% instead of making half ass attempts at being there maybe 3% Just give them over to me completely and you’ll never have to worry about about them again. No monthly payments or such. Just a thought ;) Now let’s see how quick our spy gets back to you about this :D

Two issues. Two things I wish I never have to deal with ever!

First…if you want me to keep your name outta my mouth (which I have), then you need to do the same. That being said, if you say you don’t want to be apart of my life, then by all means please do stay away. That includes all aspects of it. My relationship, my children, my future plans, etc. And that doesn’t mean going around and asking those we both know for the information. If you want to know so badly, come talk to me then. As of right now, you don’t need to know shit.

Second…who in the fuck do you think you are talking to? I have the biggest distrust of you and your motives and I’m sure it goes the same for you in regards to me. You say I refuse to let you see the children…I called bullshit and you knew it. I have proof to back it up…did you forget who you are dealing with? We agreed you would contact them every week, you did it for 3 weeks and stopped. So wtf are you complaining about how you miss them and such? I called you today due to your transitional insurance getting in the way of the insurance I provide and not once did you ask about them nor to speak to them, and they were right there next to me listening! And then you also think that I don’t know what my insurance covers and try to tell me that MY insurance should cover their dental and vision?? I know that!!! You were suppose to also provide that but nooo YOUR insurance is only because you went overseas and they automatically enroll the dependents you have. Which you failed to inform me and that interrupted MY insurance coverage for them. Now that your back, we have to deal with transitional coverage which still fucks with mine so still I am having issues getting them seen! At the same time, why do you need the information you requested from me? In your files, the copies I provided before should still be there. I call bullshit that its been lost. If that’s the case, have them contact me directly and I will send it directly to them. You don’t seem to want to REALLY be a part of their lives so why in the hell do you need that kind of info??? What are you trying to do? Again, I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you and neither do they. Live with your choices and actions…I promise you’re missing out on sooo much and at the same time, they aren’t missing out on anything where your role is concerned. Our lil family unit is doing fine minus the minor interruptions from you. Thank you for proving me right, they now know they can never count on you.

So I’ve been dealing with stuff and had writers block. Sucks. But I’ve been making more time to read since my creativity has been at a standstill >.< That’s a good thing :)

So its obvious that I didn’t keep up with my 365 challenge…oops. Oh well, there’s other projects in the works. Let’s see how it pans out. Got some stuff that should be written but not ready yet hehe. If I do it will in the moment then its just gonna be brutal…give it time and it won’t be as harsh ;) Have a great day!

lovequotesrus:

Photo Courtesy: etiquetteforagentleman